What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
