I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
