Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
