You smell like stripper and shame
what day is it and did you see me today?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
COCAINE IS GR8
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
