apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
that's an acceptable place to lick
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
