Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
