I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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