Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
