Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
