I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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