By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
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You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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