Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
