her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
