Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
