Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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