My brain says no but my pants say off.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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