wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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