if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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