Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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