You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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