so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
