don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
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I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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