I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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