when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
