why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
