I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
