It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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