Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How does it feel to date your dad?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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