Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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