this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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