If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
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Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
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I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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