Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
