Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
