Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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