He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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