Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
