Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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