Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
