so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
