I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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