You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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