Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I love you. Go after that dick
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
