I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
