just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
