I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
