Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
