I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
