you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
