SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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