Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
