$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
