I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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