I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
