I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
