My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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