I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
