She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
